It’s me again. I know I hardly ever write on here, but here I am. I have so much on my mind (and heart), and lately I feel really weird talking about it all to anyone. So, here I am.
I’m kind of all over the place today, errr, lately? So I’m just gonna write/blab.
I am a different person from who I was two years ago. Even a year ago. I’m just as emotional, but less sensitive. I also know what I want and what I need now. My confidence and self esteem is slowly but surely finding its way back to me, and I feel headstrong. Most days, the vision is clear.
I’ve matured. Heart wise. The hurt I now feel is like a grown up version. It comes with patience, and kindness, and forgiveness. Not understanding just yet, (most days I truly believe I won’t ever understand), but it comes with hope, hope for acceptance that I might never understand.
What am I always desperately trying to understand? How people can do the things they do. And why. I am desperately trying to understand people. If I feel the way I do, why don’t other people feel that? Or do they and they just can’t face it? And if so why can’t they face it? Because it hurts too much? Wouldn’t you think if it hurts too much they wouldn’t hurt others because they know how it feels? It doesn’t make any sense, and I have a great need to make sense of it all.
I am realizing that these questions are powered by curiosity. I’ve always been so curious about everythinggg. But these questions are also powered by a lot of hurt.
When me and my ex finally crashed and burned (more like crashed, exploded to smitherings, then burn to ashes of the ashes of the ashes
HERE WE ARE, 27.
Two years ago, I made a playlist called "This is 25". It's a pretty sweet collection of songs. Some better than others, all really girly and hopeful. However at the time I made this playlist, I had just turned 25 and I was in pieces. I was a mess. I had just gotten out of a long manipulative relationship three weeks prior, I was already involved way too deep with a new special someone, and I was hooking up regularly with another someone. Like I said, I was a mess.. and I hated sleeping alone. To get to the extent of things, I started balding from stress and I would wake up in panic attacks a few times a week. I also found out that I was suffering from Narcisstic Sociopath Victim Syndrome (look it up). I also had a falling out with (at the time) my best friend. Shit was rough. While I was going through it, I remember feeling so awful and thinking to myself constantly that it was the hardest year of my life. And though I still think that, I now realize how much amazing things came from all that angst. That year was a year of destruction, crumbling, and grieving. It was a year of meeting parts of myself I've been at war with. But it was also a year spent exploring. Exploring others, exploring places, and in those two things... exploring myself. I traveled and traveled and traveled some more. It was sorta like my vice. Instead of alcohol or drugs, I just bought a plane ticket.
It seems so simple now... The bliss in the pain. But at the time, going through it all, I remember feeling like I was literally dying from a broken heart.
Fast forward two years, I never would have thought I'd see everything so clear. I never thought my mind would be so right with things. If it wasnt for my 25th year of life, I would have never tapped into my artistry. I needed to be cracked opened and shook. I needed to be ugly, and messy, and lost. I needed to take all my pieces back.
In two days, I turn 27. 27 looks good. The past two years I have spent all of me on trying to be okay while falling apart. I've spent it on worrying about other people not wanting to be in my life. I've spent it on crumbling, then recreating. 27 will be the year I strive for full potential and to be stronger. The year of reintroducing myself and being fearless. A year of more creating and more exploring. A year of mastering breathing. The year of finally feeling happy. Because I'm finally there. Still a little wild and a little lost, but happy.
A Letter To Girls Like Me
"And once you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely."
- Brooke Davis
1. Friendships can be abusive too. You don't need to walk on egg shells for anyone. You should be able to speak, be, and make moves freely without their being consequences and/or "punishment". The right people will come along and let you be you and love you for being just that. I promise.
2. Just because a relationship (friendly, family, or romantic) doesn't work out, it doesn't mean you failed. It just means you've realized that that relationship no longer positively serves you. Don't be afraid to let that relagionship go for good. With that being said, I'm a strong believer in
"Blood means you're related, it's doesn't mean you're family".
3. No one tells you how much grief is in growth. Grief over others, and grief over the old you. Not everyone is going to be down with your growth. And that's okay. You might not even be down with it sometimes, and that's okay too. You're going to lose people as you grow and change. You're going to let go of people, willingly. You'll be a little sore sometimes, and maybe even a little lonely. But it's all okay. Evolvement and change is life. Ride the waves, feel the grief.
4. School is not for everyone. Don't let people tell you it is.
5. Pursue those dreams!! It's all right you don't have it all figured out right now. Just begin. That's it. I constantly get asked "what's your plan" or "what are you gonna do". And I never know what to say. I feel like even when I'm going to be successful in the future, people will still ask the whole "what are you doing, what's your plan" thing, soley because I'm in the creative field and it's unconventional to many of those around me. Don't listen to what other people think you're supposed to do. None of them have the same dreams and goals as you. Life's too short and I don't know about you, but I didn't ask to be here. I'm here on earth by chance.. I'm going to do what I want to do.
6. It's okay to be alone and breathe and live your life!! You don't have to be dating someone or talking to someone every moment of your adulthood. This year, there were a few months where I wasn't "talking to" or dating or hooking up with anyone and I felt really weird about it. I was used to having someone always there since I was 17! I've always had someone. I'm 26 now so it was a little uneasy for me this year when I realized I'm actually, literally, really really single! Lol. After I got over the initial uneasiness *rolls eyes at myself*, I felt great. And this amazing thing happened where I started being open to meeting new people and networking and having fun. I feel like I'm at a point where I'm enjoying my youth and I'm LATE because of all the time I've wasted on lust/love interests! *rolls eyes at myself again*. I guess that's part of youth but damn. If there's one piece of advice I could give to my 15 year old self... it would be not to give a fuck about these boys/girls! I wish I would have put all that effort, care, time, and money into pursuing dreams. I can only imagine where I'd be by now. So yeah, that's where I'm at. Jaded, excitedly over it, and finally really really single. And it's okay! :) Too many people don't know how to be single/breathe on their own for a second because of all these underlying issues, which brings me to my next lil lesson... HEALING WELL.
"And once you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely." - BD
I am 26 years old and the one thing I crave most is, protection. It's the one thing that has always been missing. Someone to protect me, mentally, and in the past, physically. Where is that person for me. I realize I have been asking myself this since I was little. I seem to be that person for everyone else, naturally.
Defend me. Protect me. Stand up for me. Stop allowing me to pretend I am strong by myself. Because when I realize I am pretending, I break. I cry wolf.
THE STORM AFTER THE STORM.
Today I've finally had a day off from everything, and everyone. These days are my favorite - days off with absolutely no plans. I woke up late, put my favorite playlist at the moment on repeat, practiced being plant based, and just laid for awhile on my bed. The warmth of the sunshine through my window is hitting my body just right.
Since the publication of A Woman In Poetry, I have had so many girls reach out to me. They tell me I'm inspiring. They tell me which ways they relate. They are honest with me. At first, it made me feel uncomfortable and I wasn't sure what I got myself into. I felt like a fraud because I'm still in the process of healing and often, I forget which way is up. After the initial unsureness about being complimented on something that still confuses me, I feel inspired. The inspiration I have gotten from other honest people these past few months has pointed me in the direction of reflection, something I haven't had time for. But today, I have time.
It has been a little over a year and a half since I got out of a manipulative turned abusive 5 year relationship. But annoyingly, it has only been eight months of no contact/no involvement. Finally. Finally, eight months ago, I had found the strength and the power to change my number and stop responding to all, anything, and anyone involving that relationship. The break up seemed like it was dragging on forever, so I finally had to make the decision to turn my cheek, ignore, and not give reaction. I finally closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and removed myself. For good.
When I was a little girl, maybe 11, I made a promise to myself, to never let a man hurt me again. Then one morning, 13 years later, I woke up next to a man and my face hurt. I quietly got out of bed to look in the mirror and there was a bruise on my cheek. I stared at myself for a long time trying to find that strong little girl who once made that promise.
I was twenty when I met him. We met at a party and ended up staying up until eight in the morning, sharing our favorite songs, making out, and laughing for hours on hours about absolutely nothing. We were twenty and we were great. We spent every day for the next two weeks together, and it was magic.
Until this day, I am still finding out, involuntarily, what was real and what was a lie. 5 years of chaotic, quiet, passionate, ugly, beautiful, heart aching attachment. We could never just stop. I was with other people, he was with other people, but we'd always come back to each other. We pushed, broke, chased, made up good, fell to pieces better. Every time I tried to leave, he would get down on his knees and cry. He was a wonderful liar, and I was a wonderful believer.
Though the red flags were always there, it wasn't until the fourth year, all the crazy passion turned aggressive. I had found out a family secret of his (I had gotten really close with his family) and it's as if it unleashed something in him. He was no longer afraid to hurt me. He so easily was able to put his hands on me and tell me really awful things. He would call me fat cow or whore, and the word "bitch" almost daily. I could only hold his hand, kiss him, lay my head on him, and touch him only at his command. He would yell at me at the top of his lungs. He would randomly cry so hard on my chest without saying anything. He would tell me I'm the love of his life and tell all his family and our friends he was going to marry me. Then he would give me the silent treatment for 24 hours. He would get legit mad at me if I didn't go down on him perfectly and for a very long time. He would insult my body then make love to it. He would put down my spiritual beliefs, and tell me I'm stupid. He would tell me I was going to be his forever. He told me I was beautiful and to give him sons. He threw my shit on the street then attempted to drag me out of the house while I was naked at 2am. Then he would hold me and the next day we'd spend the day with his nieces and nephew like nothing ever happened. He would make me get out of his car in the middle of nowhere. He mocked me when I cried. He would make me feel crazy and tell me I'm insecure when I had suspicions of another girl. He would get so mad when anyone else would hurt me or even touch me, but I was his to do whatever with. He seemed so mad at me, and hurt by me, and in love with me all at the same time. It was a vicious cycle of being so so mean to me and then apologizing and being my Prince Charming.
I no longer recognized myself when I would look in the mirror. My spirit was completely drained. I needed help to get out but nobody knew what was going on with me. So in hope to get some clarity, I left on a two week backpacking trip through Thailand and Cambodia, by myself. That trip is the best thing I've ever done for myself and in it, I recognized myself and finally understood that such a big chapter of my life needed to come to an end. When I got back, I didn't push anything, I just started doing my own thing. The only way the relationship came to an end was because right after we spent Christmas together, he asked me to move in and I said no. Then right after we spent New Years together, he told me he had another girlfriend. We sat in his car and he cried really hard about how he knows he's not right in the head and how he needs help and how he's "so sorry".
He then moved her in two weeks later.
The first week apart from him, I lost 13lbs and my hair wouldn't stop falling out, so much I had bald spots. I remember laying on my mattress, wishing and waiting for it to stop hurting. I wasn't able to sleep so the time went by so slow. And when I was able to fall asleep, I would wake up 20 minutes later in full blown panic attacks. I had to have one of my best friends sleep with me for awhile, she would rub my back as I fell asleep on her lap.
After a few months, the hurt wasn't subsiding and I kept feeling like I just got hit with a huge Transformer truck. I kept waking up in panic attacks and my hair was still falling out. I knew something wasn't right, so I went to go see a therapist.
Turns out that I was suffereing from Narcissistic Sociopath Personaility Disorder victim symptoms. Who knew there was such a thing? I couldn't nor wanted to believe I was with a "sociopath". So I researched and read every book I could. Yet, every page of research and every book would describe him perfectly. To little things he did, to big things he did, to EXACT sentences. I was shook, but I felt a whole lot better knowing it wasn't just in my head. I was told I was in for a rough time of healing, but I was also told I was lucky to get out when I did.
Last year was the hardest year of my life. I made sure to surround myself with good good things. I wrote and I wrote and I published a book from it. I traveled all over the world in attempt to learn about myself and to teach myself how to breathe. To teach myself, there is so much more than what I was going to settle into. To teach myself that I am strong and resilient and brave. Last year I lost myself completely, I crumbled, I got back up, and then crumbled again. And in that process, I met myself.
This year was a little easier. Especially when I stopped responding to his sociopathic ways. I trusted myself and let myself indulge in my art. There, I am recreating myself. I am truly healing. I only surround myself with good people and I only do things I WANT to do. I am easy with myself. I try really hard to be honest with myself. I ask myself why did I stay so long. The answer always comes back to lack of self love, self worth, and self acknowledgement. I am working on those things. I am speaking to myself like I would a friend, with kindness and encouragement. I allow myself to feel everything. I allow myself to experience all that I want to. I have cut ties with or have distanced myself from all people and things that do not make me feel good. I say no a lot. I am sharing myself and my art, and people are responding to it so well. I acknowledge how far I've come, in befriending myself, trusting myself, loving myself. I take my time, I linger, I cry. I let go.
Looking forward to 27,