Someone died today. But I guess that's every day. Why does death taste so familiar and sound so safe? I must of died a thousand past lifetimes. What is the purpose of life? Not your career choice, but human purpose. Is it to find light? Have we found it? Or are we here by chance? And if we are here by chance, why not? Why not put art on my body. Why not fall in love. Why not feel full potential. Why not do what you love while you can.
Self love note: I am going to die. Why not..
To the arms I know so well,
There is a limit to your love, my love. And there is no growth in a love that is limited. I cannot depend on your I love yous when they are so insubstantial and consequential. There is a limit to your love my love. You only love me when I obey. You only love me when I am small, naive, and lost. A forever with me is only when I am less of me. I want only a love that still loves me when we don't agree. I want a love that remembers me, a love that doesn't punish me. I want a love without limits. I want something else.
All the things I forgot to say,
What I have learned from this crazy, challenging, raw, life changing, beautiful year..
Also known as, A Letter To Anyone Out There Just Like Me.
1. Do not allow others to make you feel like you need to be smaller. You were you not meant to be kept small. I know it's scary, but you are resilient. And you are so so brave.
2. What others say to you and about you, often says more about themselves than it does you. Read this over and over again.
3. Normal people don't go around destroying other people. Hurt people hurt people. Do not become another hurt person.
4. Just because "they always come back", doesn't mean you should let them.
5. Understand you love differently. And not everyone is going to love like you. This is a beautiful thing, please do not lose it.
6. This is an important one. When someone put their hands on you, leave. When someone belittles your spiritual beliefs, leave. When someone puts down your body, leave. When someone puts down your mind, leave. "Being strong" doesn't always mean staying, do not convince yourself it does. Their demons are not yours to carry or fix. Leave. Leave. Leave.
7. Your character is easier kept than recovered. Stay good.
8. You have experienced more hurt and loss than most people your age. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. You are so worthy of healing well, let yourself.
9. "Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm." Do not lose yourself trying to protect, love, and fix someone else. Your feelings are legit, and they fucking matter. Take up your space.
10. In regards to number nine, there is no "fixing" people. But? No.
11. If someone rejects your love or throws it away or takes advantage of it or abuses it... Well, there are a million other things you can love. Some, really in need of that love. You can go volunteer at an animal shelter, or go help out at a soup kitchen, or even put that love into a passion of yours like music or writing. This probably isn't what you want to hear when you have a broken heart, but this is a secret to healing well. Put your broken love somewhere it's needed and watch it heal.
12. Loving yourself will take you places.
13. When those heavy feelings come, let them come. Trying to run from them or cover them up only will make things worse. Let them come, and let them crash over you like waves. The world has ended many nights for you. You're okay.
14. People only show you what they want you to see on social media. People don't have to claim over and over what truly is. Basically, all is not what it appears to be. Do not be fooled.
15. Surrender to the universe.
I have been praying for things I have never prayed for before. Courage. Grace. Kindness. Mercy.
I am not okay with destroying people for the sake of my own clarity. Somewhere between childhood and growing up, I convinced myself that being strong means staying.
I am mistaken.
I am okay with you forgetting me if it helps you survive.
I will not die in this hurtful place.